he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
