dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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