Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
