I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
not ubering you a puppy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
