I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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