Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
