you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
