anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
