When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
