I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
