I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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