I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
