can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
