Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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