Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
