Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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