Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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