The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
