new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
