your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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