last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize