He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
