Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
