Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
