I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
