Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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