Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
