Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
