I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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