sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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