Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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