i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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