It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
