Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
