NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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