oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
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Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he just fucked me for my cheese.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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