I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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