Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
