The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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