she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
