We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
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he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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