EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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