I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
