dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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