Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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