I am spending my child support on dildos
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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