i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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