did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
