I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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