I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
