he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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