dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There are leaves in my underwear?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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