I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She's the barista slut.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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