If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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