Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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