remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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