she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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