Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
