she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
