This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
