We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
