I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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