he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
